Go away an overlong hole between programs to permit extra ingesting/boredom/starvation. Guarantee vegetarians/vegans/these with meals allergic reactions are poorly catered for and get the hump, even when meaning you.
Organise Secret Santa over e-mail upfront, with lame joke items posted to colleagues by way of Amazon. Every attendee ought to pull an inexpensive Christmas cracker with themselves, learn out the joke on Zoom so everybody can groan, then don a paper get together hat which you’ll neglect that you just’re nonetheless sporting hours later. Ensure that the workplace’s self-appointed official funster organises some kind of painful “team-building” quiz, expertise contest or confessions sport which can make some individuals massively over-competitive and depart others in tears.
Later within the afternoon, hasten the top of the get together with on-line karaoke which the identical few show-offs will monopolise, hogging the limelight and driving everybody else mad with their caterwauling rendition of Wham!’s Final Christmas and insistence on dancing in entrance of their webcam. Is that the time? I actually should sign off and lie down in a darkened room.
Any workplace do, even a digital one, has to characteristic some probably career-ending humiliation. Somebody should neglect to mute themselves whereas slagging off the boss or by chance ship an offensive non-public message to all. Somebody should throw up into their kitchen bin on-camera. No one can photocopy their very own naked bottom on the workplace Xerox machine this yr, clearly, so as an alternative they need to squat awkwardly over their house printer.
The 2 colleagues who reside nearest one another have to satisfy up and snog publicly (no excuses allowed, eg being married/not fancying them/there being a pandemic). If this isn’t you (pray it isn’t), slip out into the hallway in some unspecified time in the future and grope your personal bottom.
Somebody who has been meek and gentle all yr ought to all of a sudden storm the “dancefloor” (aka their very own kitchen tiles) and begin frantically twerking whereas everybody else seems to be on in fascinated horror. Two drunk blokes should put on their ties round their heads, bandana-style. A tipsy girl ought to sit on her personal stairs and have slightly cry, whereas colleagues “consolation her” (translation: fish for gossip) by way of webcam.
Somebody needs to be sick in a taxi, even when it simply goes as soon as across the block and drops them off again at their home. Somebody has to lose their coat or bag in their very own home, then sheepishly discover it someplace apparent as soon as they’ve sobered up. A number of individuals must name in sick the following day.
Everybody else gathers across the digital watercooler for a morale-raising giggle concerning the vomiting, twerking and coping-off colleagues. This may assist stave off your personal hungover emotions of disgrace, paranoia and existential despair till you can begin ingesting once more. Merry Christmas!